Here’s a rough translation matrix for those of you out there looking through job listings online and otherwise.
Fast paced and fun work environment:
Crazy busy and chaotic
Competitive for us: you get just over minimum wage and definitely not a living wage.
Excellent opportunities for advancement:
Start at the bottom and stay at the bottom until someone above you dies or has a psychotic break. We don’t care about any degrees you may have.
Sales contest awards:
If you don’t sell enough then you’re fired.
Discounts on merchandise:
This is to discourage you from stealing from us since we obviously don’t value our employees enough to give them real benefits.
Mandatory, time wasting training… if you ever want to even be considered for a promotion.
Candidates must have high energy:
Employees work really awful hours.
Candidates must be able to multitask:
We’re understaffed and you’ll be overworked.